Woof || The Rat Dread

A dreaded rat-tail? A rat-tailed dread?

         If your wondering what this young gentleman is looking at, then A. You are quite possibly delusional and B. You need to close your eyes...count to 3..open them.. AND LOOK AT THAT THING RAT-TAIL SLITHERING DOWN HOMEBOYS BACK!

Woof of the Day || Oh What A Night

         On Tuesday night I had the privilege torture that can only come from seeing Adam Lambert live; no you may not ask me why I had to go to this concert, the details are unimportant, like Lambert. After a solid prefunk I thought I would be moderately sedated to at least get me through the first half of the concert before I sprinted for the door, but not even a Half-G could prepare me for the things I was about to see that night. Nor will years of therapy help me forget.

         

          Hop out the cab and what do we see, a mile long line that goes down 2 blocks and around the corner to get in...who knew Adam Lambert had so many fans? I'll try to put this lightly...this crowd was the Fugliest group of overweight teenage girls and their moms I have ever seen! If I hadn't known about the concert I would have thought there was an audition for the Biggest Loser going on, or a Krispy Kreme grand opening (side note say I didn't see at least 3 bitches walk out the Krispy Kreme across the street and get back in line).

          When we got to the back of the line it was clear that neither of us were drunk enough, so we headed over the the lovely Hooverville Bar, and in case you were wondering Hooverville is "the popular name for shanty towns built by homeless people during the Great Depression"... and I couldn't wait to go in. Keeping true to the name of their fine establishment the bar came complete with broken chairs, more fugs and...peanuts! I'm talking peanuts everywhere you look; in cute little ash trays on the bar, in giant metal buckets and all over the floor of course! How they charge $11.00 for a drink I have NO idea, but I needed it...I mean look at these two posted up at the entrance. I'm thinking it's an akward first date from meeting on Match.com. Their profiles matched on so many different levels of compatibility such as favorite colors were black, both had daddy issues, interest in video games and S&M, and they both had murdered someone! Quite the connection! I'm seeing some very cute creepy children in their future.       

          It wasn't until I met my future wife, Danielle, that my night was complete...

          

          I fell in love with Shawty when I seen her cracking some nuts and pounding down some Skinny Girl martini with her BFF Jacqui! I had never fallen so hard in my life. Homegirl was bringing the seks to Adam Lambert that night. Not only was she rocking the Egyptian Princess look but she took it up another level with ACTUAL rhinestones on her eyes. It matched her sparkling soul that shines like her desire for Hooverville's peanuts! This is a product that only comes from the South, Seattle that is. But oh no she don't live their no mo', she was very adamant about the fact that she now lives in West Seattle. After chatting it up about her love of those salty nuts and about how she just quit her weekend job at Lane Bryant (where BFF still works, duh!) we headed over to the torture chamber Adam Lambert concert.

          Once inside my new main squeeze offered to buy me a drink, she knew exactly the way to my heart. Thanks, boo! After the show had started the room began to become a blur of fugly people, awful music noise and mom's staring at me as I lost my balance every five seconds dancing with Danielle! The night was going so well...until that is, that bitch Jacqui ran up to her and said that they were going to meet Adam Lambert after the concert.           

          

          And just like that, in a flash my precious Danielle was gone like the wind as fast as her fatass can move. I learned two things that night...never trust a woman with Bedazzled Eyes..and never call a 13 year-old a slut for blocking your view, security CAN actually kick you out for saying that.

GOT A WOOF YOU WANT TO SHARE? SEND A PIC TO GMCBONLINE@GMAIL.COM! STOP BEING SO NICE AND CALL PEOPLE OUT!

Woof of the Day || Spotted @ Ravenna Park

It's a bird! It's a plane! NOPE! It's Creepy McCreeperson's own personal remote control helicopter! This strapping commander pilot was spotted with his best friend, Air Hog, who was soaring through the skies of Ravenna Park in circles around homeboy's head. Ten bucks says he's a virgin, just saying.

          
Let me give you a little breakdown to further digest this photo. That arrow is pointing to his master ship (about the size of his Transformer action-figure) complete with flashing LED lights, an ice cream paint job and packing enough power to repel all women within a 5-mile radius! Damn, 5 miles! Being an old, creepy man you would think you would possess such skills as to navigate this air craft, no chance! Homeboy easily crashed this thing into the ground every ten seconds. A for effort!

          
Unfortunately, for him, his thing was so tiny (no not his THING, his helicopter! Although that's probably tiny as well) that to happy couples and dog dykes passing through Ravenna Park he appeared to be ... well, insane! Imagine strolling through the park with your dog and seeing THAT man staring at the sky and spinning in circles; not that flying a tiny helicopter in public is a better image for a 40 50-year old dude. Statistics have shown that 90 percent of old men who play with ACTUAL toys... are murderers. No offense, but it's true. 

         
Homeboy looks like he's waiting to be taken back up to the Mother ship, but not before he has an upright seizure. After about ten minutes okay half an hour of marveling at this creature doing spins like a 5-year old playing Piñata at his birthday party... I got bored.

Woof of the Day || Guido Spotted @ Fourno's

          Based on this picture you are probably thinking one of two things right now...did Fourno's open up a second location on the Jersey Shore; or the second being...what the f*@k is around his neck??? From the moment Rico Suave walked into the bar with his crew, I knew if I kept drinking I was bound to get in a lot of trouble; this is any people-watchers dream come true, right? From his greased up hair to his puke-uh-shell necklace complete with hanging coke vial shark tooth? He's perfect and Ladies I'm pretty sure he's single ;)

          And what does the Ave's most eligible bachelor drink Ladies?...a Fourno's Lemonade a.k.a. Guido Juice, of course! Just look at his Zoolander face while he sips on that Guido Juice, do you think he wears that necklace in the shower? My guess is ab-so-fucking-lutely he does.

          Oh, and if you're like me who has apparently been blacked out everytime at Fourno's, apparently there is a GIANT mural of the Greek God Zeus, (no the guy in the photo is not named Zeus, that's Guido Rico, pay attention PUH-lease!) Just look at that sexy beast in the background eyeing Fourno Guido! Watch out ladies, you don't want to fuck with Zeus.

          After about 30 minutes we I got bored of Guido and had to bounce. I mean I had waited a full 3 beers and nothing! I thought he would have at least flipped a table or started break-dancing to DJ Tiesto by now, this was bullshit! Maybe this was some sort of pussy Guido breed that the West Coast has brewed up, not a fan. I like my Guido's like I like my Lindsay Lohan..a little orange and a WHOLE lot of f#@king crazy.

          All I knew was I had only two things on my mind...getting a Po Raw Dog across the street...and that I HAD to have that necklace, coke vial or no coke vial. So I spilled his Guido Juice, snatched the necklace and made my walk home, Puka shells on neck, Po Raw Dog in hand.

Woof of the Day || Spotted @ Rat n Raven

          Where Homegirl found these... I have no idea. But I thank god every day she did because these shoes made my Thursday night. Posted up on the balcony @ Rat n Raven this chick was rocking wearing hot pink, patent leather, open-toe toes wedges.  Homegirl looks like Hooker Barbie come to life in the sequel to Life Size (by the way... I have a patent on that movie, I ran it by Disney but apparently they thought it was a little too "mature" for the children. Pfff. And besides, I'm waiting for Lindsay Lohan to get out of prison so she can reprise her role alongside Trya. I see it as a HUGE comeback for both of my Besties.)

          The more I looked at the hot mess that were raping her feet, the more I wondered what sex shop or Halloween store do you found these at? So, I took one for the team. I asked her. Nothing could prepare myself or my friends for the shit storm that was about to drop after 2 syllables. Wal-(pause)-Mart. I died. And by that I mean I killed the pitcher and pretended like I was too drunk to be in public. Truth was I was too sober to look at those beasts any longer so I walked my ass home.