On Tuesday night I had the privilege torture that can only come from seeing Adam Lambert live; no you may not ask me why I had to go to this concert, the details are unimportant, like Lambert. After a solid prefunk I thought I would be moderately sedated to at least get me through the first half of the concert before I sprinted for the door, but not even a Half-G could prepare me for the things I was about to see that night. Nor will years of therapy help me forget.
Hop out the cab and what do we see, a mile long line that goes down 2 blocks and around the corner to get in...who knew Adam Lambert had so many fans? I'll try to put this lightly...this crowd was the Fugliest group of overweight teenage girls and their moms I have ever seen! If I hadn't known about the concert I would have thought there was an audition for the Biggest Loser going on, or a Krispy Kreme grand opening (side note say I didn't see at least 3 bitches walk out the Krispy Kreme across the street and get back in line).
When we got to the back of the line it was clear that neither of us were drunk enough, so we headed over the the lovely Hooverville Bar, and in case you were wondering Hooverville is "the popular name for shanty towns built by homeless people during the Great Depression"... and I couldn't wait to go in. Keeping true to the name of their fine establishment the bar came complete with broken chairs, more fugs and...peanuts! I'm talking peanuts everywhere you look; in cute little ash trays on the bar, in giant metal buckets and all over the floor of course! How they charge $11.00 for a drink I have NO idea, but I needed it...I mean look at these two posted up at the entrance. I'm thinking it's an akward first date from meeting on Match.com. Their profiles matched on so many different levels of compatibility such as favorite colors were black, both had daddy issues, interest in video games and S&M, and they both had murdered someone! Quite the connection! I'm seeing some very 
It wasn't until I met my future wife, Danielle, that my night was complete...
I fell in love with Shawty when I seen her cracking some nuts and pounding down some Skinny Girl martini with her BFF Jacqui! I had never fallen so hard in my life. Homegirl was bringing the seks to Adam Lambert that night. Not only was she rocking the Egyptian Princess look but she took it up another level with ACTUAL rhinestones on her eyes. It matched her sparkling soul that shines like her desire for Hooverville's peanuts! This is a product that only comes from the South, Seattle that is. But oh no she don't live their no mo', she was very adamant about the fact that she now lives in West Seattle. After chatting it up about her love of those salty nuts and about how she just quit her weekend job at Lane Bryant (where BFF still works, duh!) we headed over to the torture chamber Adam Lambert concert.
Once inside my new main squeeze offered to buy me a drink, she knew exactly the way to my heart. Thanks, boo! After the show had started the room began to become a blur of fugly people, awful music noise and mom's staring at me as I lost my balance every five seconds dancing with Danielle! The night was going so well...until that is, that bitch Jacqui ran up to her and said that they were going to meet Adam Lambert after the concert.
And just like that, in a flash my precious Danielle was gone like the wind as fast as her fatass can move. I learned two things that night...never trust a woman with Bedazzled Eyes..and never call a 13 year-old a slut for blocking your view, security CAN actually kick you out for saying that.
GOT A WOOF YOU WANT TO SHARE? SEND A PIC TO GMCBONLINE@GMAIL.COM! STOP BEING SO NICE AND CALL PEOPLE OUT!
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